Communicating With Your Tween and Teen
Quick Reference Guide · For Parents & Caregivers
Communicating with Your Tween & Teen
A practical companion to the Common Mistakes page. Keep this somewhere visible — not as a rulebook, but as a quiet reminder on the days when it’s hard.
Chapter 1 · Trust & Independence
About trust and independence
How we involve — or take over — shapes whether they step up or step back.
✕ Don’t
✓ Do instead
✕ Remind them about meds or appointments in front of their friends
✓ Agree in advance when and how you’ll remind them — end of day, or only for safety issues
✕ Let their condition take over family meals and shared time
✓ Protect normal, relaxed time together — with no health agenda
✕ Speak for them at medical appointments
✓ Let them lead the conversation with their doctor — add what’s missing afterwards
✕ Pressure them to talk about their condition or feelings
✓ Be available without pressure — let them come to you when they’re ready
✕ Jump straight to fixing their problems
✓ Listen first — ask if they want support or just to be heard
✕ Make assumptions about why they did something or how they’re feeling
✓ Ask rather than assume — “What made this hard?” opens more doors than “Why did you do that?”
Chapter 2 · Communication
About how we communicate
The way we speak — and listen — determines whether they keep talking to us.
✕ Don’t
✓ Do instead
✕ Interrupt, judge, or lecture when they’re sharing something
✓ Hear them out fully before sharing your own view
✕ Fire off too many questions at once
✓ Ask one open-ended question — you’ll often get more than you expected
✕ React with anger or panic when they forget or slip up
✓ Stay calm — address it later when emotions have settled, focusing on solutions not blame
✕ Threaten or catastrophize when the plan isn’t followed
✓ Frame mistakes as a chance to learn together, not a failure
✕ Say “you always…” or “why do you…”
✓ Use “I” statements — “I feel worried when…” lands very differently
✕ Hide things or soften the truth to protect them
✓ Be honest — always. Positive and forward-looking where you can, but never at the cost of truth
✕ Praise only when something goes wrong
✓ Name improvements specifically and genuinely — praise does more than most parents expect
Chapter 3 · Emotions & Connection
About our own emotions & connection
What we feel, and how we show it, shapes the relationship more than we realise.
✕ Don’t
✓ Do instead
✕ Let your own anxiety visibly shape how they feel
✓ Process your anxiety separately — therapy, support groups, trusted friends, time for yourself
✕ Dismiss their feelings — or amplify them too much
✓ Acknowledge feelings without spiraling — a calm, grounded presence is often what they need most
✕ Wait for the “right moment” to connect — it rarely comes
✓ Make space for time together without an agenda — even comfortable silence builds connection
✕ Force a conversation when they’re clearly not ready
✓ Be ready at unexpected moments — late at night, in the car, mid-walk — whenever they’re ready
✕ Hover and nag — or pull back entirely
✓ Remind them once in a while that you’re there and ready to listen — then leave it at that
✕ Let your own mistakes go unacknowledged
✓ Admit when you get it wrong and apologise — it shows them exactly how mistakes should be handled
For the full context behind each of these points — including the why, the real-life examples, and what to do instead — visit the Common Mistakes page.