Communicating With Your Tween and Teen
Quick Reference Guide ยท For Parents & Caregivers
Communicating with Your Tween & Teen
A practical companion to the Common Mistakes page. Keep this somewhere visible โ not as a rulebook, but as a quiet reminder on the days when it’s hard.
Chapter 1 ยท Trust & Independence
About trust and independence
How we involve โ or take over โ shapes whether they step up or step back.
โ Don’t
โ Do instead
โ Remind them about meds or appointments in front of their friends
โ Agree in advance when and how you’ll remind them โ end of day, or only for safety issues
โ Let their condition take over family meals and shared time
โ Protect normal, relaxed time together โ with no health agenda
โ Speak for them at medical appointments
โ Let them lead the conversation with their doctor โ add what’s missing afterwards
โ Pressure them to talk about their condition or feelings
โ Be available without pressure โ let them come to you when they’re ready
โ Jump straight to fixing their problems
โ Listen first โ ask if they want support or just to be heard
โ Make assumptions about why they did something or how they’re feeling
โ Ask rather than assume โ “What made this hard?” opens more doors than “Why did you do that?”
Chapter 2 ยท Communication
About how we communicate
The way we speak โ and listen โ determines whether they keep talking to us.
โ Don’t
โ Do instead
โ Interrupt, judge, or lecture when they’re sharing something
โ Hear them out fully before sharing your own view
โ Fire off too many questions at once
โ Ask one open-ended question โ you’ll often get more than you expected
โ React with anger or panic when they forget or slip up
โ Stay calm โ address it later when emotions have settled, focusing on solutions not blame
โ Threaten or catastrophize when the plan isn’t followed
โ Frame mistakes as a chance to learn together, not a failure
โ Say “you alwaysโฆ” or “why do youโฆ”
โ Use “I” statements โ “I feel worried whenโฆ” lands very differently
โ Hide things or soften the truth to protect them
โ Be honest โ always. Positive and forward-looking where you can, but never at the cost of truth
โ Praise only when something goes wrong
โ Name improvements specifically and genuinely โ praise does more than most parents expect
Chapter 3 ยท Emotions & Connection
About our own emotions & connection
What we feel, and how we show it, shapes the relationship more than we realise.
โ Don’t
โ Do instead
โ Let your own anxiety visibly shape how they feel
โ Process your anxiety separately โ therapy, support groups, trusted friends, time for yourself
โ Dismiss their feelings โ or amplify them too much
โ Acknowledge feelings without spiraling โ a calm, grounded presence is often what they need most
โ Wait for the “right moment” to connect โ it rarely comes
โ Make space for time together without an agenda โ even comfortable silence builds connection
โ Force a conversation when they’re clearly not ready
โ Be ready at unexpected moments โ late at night, in the car, mid-walk โ whenever they’re ready
โ Hover and nag โ or pull back entirely
โ Remind them once in a while that you’re there and ready to listen โ then leave it at that
โ Let your own mistakes go unacknowledged
โ Admit when you get it wrong and apologise โ it shows them exactly how mistakes should be handled
For the full context behind each of these points โ including the why, the real-life examples, and what to do instead โ visit the Common Mistakes page.